So I'm pretty sure I remember on my last post stating that I would never again go a month without some sort of update. It has been a month. I am just terrible at sitting down and writing a paragraph here and a paragraph there, in my mind I feel like I am always supposed to have some elaborate tale about an epic battle with the devil and me doing a victory dance with Jesus in the rain underneath the glow of the yellow "Makkas" arches. Perhaps a story about me walking down the strand barefoot; beard blowing gracefully in the wind as I speak truth and life and love over a group of lepers gathered around the rock I stand upon devouring every word I speak; falling more in love with the Lord with every syllable, as I take a lick of pineapple gelato in between each earth-shattering statement. But I don't have these stories, because I haven't done this. this is hard. Its like school for the mission hopefuls. Do you have what it takes? Are you willing to give up? Are you willing to sacrafice everything? Will you die to yourself?
Every morning I wake up and I give it all to God. I give Him Emily, I give him my mom, my sisters, my nephews, my brother-in-law(s), the Hatfield's. I give Him friends, I give Him dreams and goals and plans that I have developed for myself everyday. I give him plans that I DEVELOPED for MYSELF. Because these have a tendency to crash and burn and fail MISERABLY. So i give these things to Him everyday in faith that He will give me goals and plans and dreams that are from Him. I have been seeing more and more that MY plans and HIS plans aren't entirely different from one another. He wants me to beat up the devil in the McDonalds parking lot, and He wants me to be able to speak truth and life and love to people, and enjoy tasty pineapple gelato. He wants me and my future wife to change this world together, through Him. He wants my mom to be ok...better than ok. He wants my mom to be alive in Him. He wants my sisters to live love and be sucessful in everything they do. He has HUGE plans for Ezra and Hudson. He wants to take care of my brothers. He will provide for the Hatfields. He wants me to stop trying to take control and let Him do what He has been planning to do this ENTIRE time. SO I GIVE UP. I have finally submitted to walking in faith and knowing that everything He wants to happen WILL happen, and it would be better for everyone involved if I backed off and let His will unfold and his glory and graciousness surround us. He wants me to fight the devil. So I'm gonna go do that next.
We leave for two weeks for camping tomorrow morning. We will be in the Australian bush and closer to God than we have ever been, no electronics, no familiarities, no distractions, just Jesus. Right about time! We will be there for two weeks and then back here for a week, then we will be heading on our mini outreach down south to Brisbane, where I will hopefully get to see th wonderful Amber Joy Smith!!! Afterwards we come back to base for two weeks before heading out to major outreach...and the outreach location is...... Papa New Guinea!! On a medical ship!!!! for six weeks!!!! alot of noodles!!!! and alot of smiles!!!! I am so excited for this outreach, as Im sure you could tell by my semi-sarcastic exclamation points, but I really am. I knew the second I saw this ship that that was Gods will for me, so Im stoked I heard it and everything worked out. Its crazy what happens when we dont get in Gods way! lol Anyways I have to go pack and get ready to head out tomorrow I just didnt want to leave people who are actually reading this rant hanging after last posts cliffhanger... : ) anyways Im off to kill the devil.
P.S. Makkas = McDonalds in Oz....fyi : ).... shalom!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
James 1:2-3
I apologize for how long it has taken me write another post. I promise it is not due to laziness or me thinking that it isn't important, it is just that I really haven't known where to begin, or how to go about explaining the things that have been happening. I suppose just dive into where my heart is the fullest, yeah? Yeah. I am now an engaged man who is madly in love with his future wife and the rest of his life!!!! I didn't mention her, Emily Ray Hatfield : ) , in the first post just because I didn't think it would be appropriate given the topic, that was probably dumb. I do dumb things sometimes. She is the love of my life, and the biggest supporter I have, even beating out my mom...and that is saying something for sure! : ) I will elaborate more on Emily in my next post, which I promise I will dedicate the entire post to telling you all about me and her, including the pineapple story : )! But these days I have very limited time and limited internet access, because I am finally in Australia!!!
I am roughly two weeks into my Not For Sale DTS which God has already been working through. I have been experiencing serious spiritual warfare like never before, desperation, depression and serious anxieties that sometimes it seems impossible to shake. But I have also been experiencing Gods unending love, and adoration for his children when they are obedient. I have been feeling God speak to me during times of worship or just simple fellowship with the new family that I am now a part of, and in times of meditation and prayer. It has been roughly two weeks now and I have been in a constant state of prayer, a two week long conversation with God going back and forth on the good and the bad hopes and dreams, plans for the future and concerns in my present state. Being awake during an open heart surgery, trying to walk around and carry on with normal life, despite all the pain and grotesque removal of fatal internal disease, is the only way that I can describe it. Feeling wide open; like all of my insides and nastiness is hanging out for everyone to see all the while trying to pick up and hang onto the things that I am uneasy about letting go, but God has a way of gently whispering to me..."its gotta go Stuart" and I understand and reluctantly drop it and keep walking, all the while He is replacing these terminal illnesses with gifts and ideas and an understanding about life, myself, and Himself that I have never before understood or imagined. It is going to be a long procedure and an even longer recovery, but it is something that I would rather die than be without.
My DTS is going to go something like this: six weeks of lecture here at the base in Townsville, Australia. Lectures on Hearing God, Identity and Destiny, Clear Conscience, Character and Nature of God and Worship, Relationships, and a Not For Sale week. Then we will be going camping as a corporate for two weeks in March learning on Lordship. We will then return to base for a week and be taught on Spiritual Warfare. After that week we will be going on a mini out reach here in Australia for three weeks. When we return from that we will be back on base for two weeks learning about Missions and the Bible. Then it will be time for Major Outreach, locations vary from either Papa New Guinea or Thailand. Then after six weeks in one of those locations I will be back here for a week and then graduation. Wow! Writing it all down just now makes me fully understand how fast this time will fly! Its only been two weeks and I feel like a new man in Him.
Please continue to pray for me during this time, I know that since I am walking in faith the enemy is going to be continually attacking, but my Dad is bigger and my Dad is stronger and my Dad loves me way too much to let me go so I know I will be fine, but I can use all of the prayer and encouragement I can get! I also promise that my next post will not be three months from now. I will be taking pictures and writing short updates every week from now on about how God is working in me and through me, I cannot wait!
Thank you all so much for caring, praying, and taking the time to read what is going on in me right now. I hope I didn't bore you or lose you in the midst of my rambling, but God really is working miracles right here right now! All praise and glory is His. I miss my fiancee', I miss my family, and I miss my dogs, but I will be a better man for them when I am done here, so please be patient with me, continue to love me, and I will be back soon
xoxo
God Bless you all!!!!!
I am roughly two weeks into my Not For Sale DTS which God has already been working through. I have been experiencing serious spiritual warfare like never before, desperation, depression and serious anxieties that sometimes it seems impossible to shake. But I have also been experiencing Gods unending love, and adoration for his children when they are obedient. I have been feeling God speak to me during times of worship or just simple fellowship with the new family that I am now a part of, and in times of meditation and prayer. It has been roughly two weeks now and I have been in a constant state of prayer, a two week long conversation with God going back and forth on the good and the bad hopes and dreams, plans for the future and concerns in my present state. Being awake during an open heart surgery, trying to walk around and carry on with normal life, despite all the pain and grotesque removal of fatal internal disease, is the only way that I can describe it. Feeling wide open; like all of my insides and nastiness is hanging out for everyone to see all the while trying to pick up and hang onto the things that I am uneasy about letting go, but God has a way of gently whispering to me..."its gotta go Stuart" and I understand and reluctantly drop it and keep walking, all the while He is replacing these terminal illnesses with gifts and ideas and an understanding about life, myself, and Himself that I have never before understood or imagined. It is going to be a long procedure and an even longer recovery, but it is something that I would rather die than be without.
My DTS is going to go something like this: six weeks of lecture here at the base in Townsville, Australia. Lectures on Hearing God, Identity and Destiny, Clear Conscience, Character and Nature of God and Worship, Relationships, and a Not For Sale week. Then we will be going camping as a corporate for two weeks in March learning on Lordship. We will then return to base for a week and be taught on Spiritual Warfare. After that week we will be going on a mini out reach here in Australia for three weeks. When we return from that we will be back on base for two weeks learning about Missions and the Bible. Then it will be time for Major Outreach, locations vary from either Papa New Guinea or Thailand. Then after six weeks in one of those locations I will be back here for a week and then graduation. Wow! Writing it all down just now makes me fully understand how fast this time will fly! Its only been two weeks and I feel like a new man in Him.
Please continue to pray for me during this time, I know that since I am walking in faith the enemy is going to be continually attacking, but my Dad is bigger and my Dad is stronger and my Dad loves me way too much to let me go so I know I will be fine, but I can use all of the prayer and encouragement I can get! I also promise that my next post will not be three months from now. I will be taking pictures and writing short updates every week from now on about how God is working in me and through me, I cannot wait!
Thank you all so much for caring, praying, and taking the time to read what is going on in me right now. I hope I didn't bore you or lose you in the midst of my rambling, but God really is working miracles right here right now! All praise and glory is His. I miss my fiancee', I miss my family, and I miss my dogs, but I will be a better man for them when I am done here, so please be patient with me, continue to love me, and I will be back soon
xoxo
God Bless you all!!!!!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Righteous Anger; Furious Love
I have been watching the cursor on my screen disappear and reappear for nearly two days now. Bustling around, cleaning this, picking at that, comming and going, but all the while feeling the screen leering at me from the corner of my room. I have been having trouble knowing exactally where to begin, or what of my story may be interesting, or necessary for me to share with you. I dont know how exactally to begin describinig the transormation that God has put me through in a way that is truly indicative of the signifficant change in my heart. How can I possibly tell you where my heart has been for the passed six years, six months, or even the passed six hours. Sometimes the most important things, are the hardest things to say, because words diminish them. But God is so good, and that will never be hard for me to say; never again.
As I sit here on my bed typing this, listening to the rain fall outside my window, I am brought back to Seattle. It was here that I was born into an amazingly loving,and supportive christian home. My dad, a ture man of God, unlike any I have ever met, was a pastor at a local church. And my mom stayed at home to raise me and my two older sisters. My time in Seattle was short lived, and wasnt too hard for me when it was finally over. My father felt the call of the Lord on his heart, for him to move us out to Madison Wisconsin, and he did not hesitate. We packed up and moved to Cottage Grove, and God went to work. At the time I thought the work was external from our family, that God was using my family, my father in particualr, to show the city of Madison how to live love. Using us to show Madison what it ment to truly follow Jesus. It wasnt until a few months ago that I really understood that the work God was doing was on us, was on me. I was what He was after. And that realization, to this very moment sends chills down my spine. God gave me a personal fifteen year demonstration on how to live like Jesus. How to truly LOVE. Unconditionally. Whole heartedly. Furiously. I had front row seats to the heart of God and never even realized it. But praise Jesus that I see it now.
I grew up loving and admiring my father. Always knowing without a doubt that he was the biggest, strongest, fastest, best smelling, most atheletic,funniest man of all time. And I knew that he was going to change the wolrd one heart at a time. But our time on earth is tricky. This is where the devil lives, this is where he is allowed. And I allowed him in my life. At around the age of twelve, I began to resent my father. I took for granted the front row seats forgot any lessons I may have learned, and grew extremly seflish, cold, and fell away from my family, my father, and the Lord. I began down a path that was far from the heart of God, and further still from the life I was brought up to live. I began to live for the world, for pleasure, and for myself. I came to admire the wrong people for the wrong reasons, act out in ways I knew in my heart were evil and sell short the giftings that the Lord has placed on my life. I fell into a life of drugs, gangs, women, lying, cheating, stealing, you name it, thats where I was. And it was only the beginning.
My dad died when I was fifteen. My sisters were gone,it was me and my mom. A pivital period of my adolescense when I really needed family, frieds direction and guidance from my father, but he wasnt there, and I wasnt listening to God, so I listened to the world some more. Oh the mistakes I made to this day make me cringe, make me sick,and even at times make me laugh. Just thinking about where I was and what was going on in my head and how it hurt my heart, and what is happening now goes to show me what plans my Eternal Father has for me. Thank you, Lord. Mom and I moved to Brown County, Indiana shortly after dad died. Unfortunatley things got alot worse before they started to get better. I was so wreckless. I was so self destructive. Funny thing is, through all of this, I never lost the lessons in love. I would find myself sitting and fellowshiping in the most unlikley of places, with the most unlikely of people, comming from the most unlikely person at that time. But man God works!!! Even when I was lying on the rocky bottom poking at my wounds, he was using me, preparing me, and gradually grabbing my heart back. Thank you so much for not giving up on me God.
Seven months ago, God put on my heart a need to leave Indiana, worse than ever. He put a burning on me, to get as far away as possible. Let me remind you, at the time I still was not hearing God. I loved Him and I believed in Him, but my faith was not strong, and I was still too busy listening to the world and to myself. I made a call to my sister Kelsey, who was living in Hawaii on a YWAM base on the Big Island, and I asked her if I could come and live with her.And after a moments hesitation, she told me no, not because shes mean, but because she was living in the dorms on base : ). She went on to tell me that there was hope. There was a program at the base called Mission Building, a volunteer program that allows short time missions workers to come and work 40 hours a week where they are needed and live out there next to base for a few months. Amazing opportunity. I bought a ticket that day. There were so many reasons why I shouldnt have been able to go to Hawaii. I was helping to run a kitchen in Brwon County that I didnt feel like I could leave, I did not know if I could leave my mother for months on end, and I was also on probation for a bit of trouble I had gotten into. God took those mountains and made them dust. One of the first confirmations for me that I was headed in the right direction.
In Hawaii I was so overwhelmed, at first, with the people. I was not used to people with faith like this. I was not used to people talking about what God had said to them like they had just gotten off the phone with Him. I was not used to seeing people washing other peoples feet. I was not used to seeing people worship like they meant it! I had never heard of dying to yourself. It was overwhelming. Beautiful but overwhelming. But I still couldnt do it, myself. I could not in good concious pretend. But then I was overwhelmed by God. It was a process and a result of alot of different instances. But long story short, I found myself face down on a slab of lava rock out on homeless beach screaming for the Lords forgiveness and praising Him for His unwaivering patience and love. My problem was that I was waiting for God to put up a billboard on Kuakini Hwy to tell me He was really here. I was waiting for Him to send Ed McMann to my house with a check for Heaven signed by God the Father and then I would believe. But my God doesnt like to show off in those ways, He works subtley in the area of winning over hearts, because he wants to be sure that we are truly listening for Him. He has instilled so much confidence in me, and reassured me about the life I led and the struggles I went through as such a ministering tool, and I praise the Lord for arming me like He did, because together, with God, I will change the world.
Now I find myself sitting here in Madison, Wi. once again, preparing myself for the adventure of a lifetime. Im going to go and spend six months doing Gods work, and giving myself completly to Him and His purpose for me. Im going to go and do a Discipleship Training School(DTS) in Queesnland, Townsville, AUS. Its focus is in the human slave trade. Menaing forced labor and the sex trade. We will also be working with children in the Townsville area, who are struggling with drugs, gangs, or are out on the street. Praise God for my amazing training! ha.
In closing I want to share with you a verse God gave me, when I got back from Hawaii and did some fasting and serious prayer time out in the woods.
1 Corinthians 9: 19-23
Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law, I became like one under the law, though I myself am not under the law, so as to win those under the law. To the lawless, I became like one that is lawless, though I am not free from Gods law but am under Christs law, as to win those not having the law. And when I am with the oppressed, I share in their oppression. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means, I may save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, so that I may share in its blessings.
P.S I suppose I should add onto here that I am going to be continually updating and sharing on this blog,and I would absolutley love for you to follow up on what God is doing in my life. It also is with great humility and unendding gratitude that I ask anyone who is able, willing, or called too; to please help support me in whatever way they possibly can. I am still around $ 5,000 short for my school in Australia and would be ecstatic for whatever sort of monetary support I could recieve. Im also lacking money for my visa, which will be around $500, and plane tickets to and from still have yet to be procured. But I will also be in desperate need of prayer. I need prayer for all of my travel arrangements to come into place, for an amazing school, and amazing fellowship. I also need prayer for a few HUGE life decisions I am about to be making : ). Also being home, and just back in familiar places, I face spiritual warfare on a daily basis, and would love to know that I have a loving family around the world who prays for me everyday. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to be concerned about what I have going on : ) that means more to me than you could understand. If you ahve any questions, or want to know other ways to help me out, or get more detail of what I need prayer for please do not hesitate to e-mail me
stuartBenj@gmail.com
As I sit here on my bed typing this, listening to the rain fall outside my window, I am brought back to Seattle. It was here that I was born into an amazingly loving,and supportive christian home. My dad, a ture man of God, unlike any I have ever met, was a pastor at a local church. And my mom stayed at home to raise me and my two older sisters. My time in Seattle was short lived, and wasnt too hard for me when it was finally over. My father felt the call of the Lord on his heart, for him to move us out to Madison Wisconsin, and he did not hesitate. We packed up and moved to Cottage Grove, and God went to work. At the time I thought the work was external from our family, that God was using my family, my father in particualr, to show the city of Madison how to live love. Using us to show Madison what it ment to truly follow Jesus. It wasnt until a few months ago that I really understood that the work God was doing was on us, was on me. I was what He was after. And that realization, to this very moment sends chills down my spine. God gave me a personal fifteen year demonstration on how to live like Jesus. How to truly LOVE. Unconditionally. Whole heartedly. Furiously. I had front row seats to the heart of God and never even realized it. But praise Jesus that I see it now.
I grew up loving and admiring my father. Always knowing without a doubt that he was the biggest, strongest, fastest, best smelling, most atheletic,funniest man of all time. And I knew that he was going to change the wolrd one heart at a time. But our time on earth is tricky. This is where the devil lives, this is where he is allowed. And I allowed him in my life. At around the age of twelve, I began to resent my father. I took for granted the front row seats forgot any lessons I may have learned, and grew extremly seflish, cold, and fell away from my family, my father, and the Lord. I began down a path that was far from the heart of God, and further still from the life I was brought up to live. I began to live for the world, for pleasure, and for myself. I came to admire the wrong people for the wrong reasons, act out in ways I knew in my heart were evil and sell short the giftings that the Lord has placed on my life. I fell into a life of drugs, gangs, women, lying, cheating, stealing, you name it, thats where I was. And it was only the beginning.
My dad died when I was fifteen. My sisters were gone,it was me and my mom. A pivital period of my adolescense when I really needed family, frieds direction and guidance from my father, but he wasnt there, and I wasnt listening to God, so I listened to the world some more. Oh the mistakes I made to this day make me cringe, make me sick,and even at times make me laugh. Just thinking about where I was and what was going on in my head and how it hurt my heart, and what is happening now goes to show me what plans my Eternal Father has for me. Thank you, Lord. Mom and I moved to Brown County, Indiana shortly after dad died. Unfortunatley things got alot worse before they started to get better. I was so wreckless. I was so self destructive. Funny thing is, through all of this, I never lost the lessons in love. I would find myself sitting and fellowshiping in the most unlikley of places, with the most unlikely of people, comming from the most unlikely person at that time. But man God works!!! Even when I was lying on the rocky bottom poking at my wounds, he was using me, preparing me, and gradually grabbing my heart back. Thank you so much for not giving up on me God.
Seven months ago, God put on my heart a need to leave Indiana, worse than ever. He put a burning on me, to get as far away as possible. Let me remind you, at the time I still was not hearing God. I loved Him and I believed in Him, but my faith was not strong, and I was still too busy listening to the world and to myself. I made a call to my sister Kelsey, who was living in Hawaii on a YWAM base on the Big Island, and I asked her if I could come and live with her.And after a moments hesitation, she told me no, not because shes mean, but because she was living in the dorms on base : ). She went on to tell me that there was hope. There was a program at the base called Mission Building, a volunteer program that allows short time missions workers to come and work 40 hours a week where they are needed and live out there next to base for a few months. Amazing opportunity. I bought a ticket that day. There were so many reasons why I shouldnt have been able to go to Hawaii. I was helping to run a kitchen in Brwon County that I didnt feel like I could leave, I did not know if I could leave my mother for months on end, and I was also on probation for a bit of trouble I had gotten into. God took those mountains and made them dust. One of the first confirmations for me that I was headed in the right direction.
In Hawaii I was so overwhelmed, at first, with the people. I was not used to people with faith like this. I was not used to people talking about what God had said to them like they had just gotten off the phone with Him. I was not used to seeing people washing other peoples feet. I was not used to seeing people worship like they meant it! I had never heard of dying to yourself. It was overwhelming. Beautiful but overwhelming. But I still couldnt do it, myself. I could not in good concious pretend. But then I was overwhelmed by God. It was a process and a result of alot of different instances. But long story short, I found myself face down on a slab of lava rock out on homeless beach screaming for the Lords forgiveness and praising Him for His unwaivering patience and love. My problem was that I was waiting for God to put up a billboard on Kuakini Hwy to tell me He was really here. I was waiting for Him to send Ed McMann to my house with a check for Heaven signed by God the Father and then I would believe. But my God doesnt like to show off in those ways, He works subtley in the area of winning over hearts, because he wants to be sure that we are truly listening for Him. He has instilled so much confidence in me, and reassured me about the life I led and the struggles I went through as such a ministering tool, and I praise the Lord for arming me like He did, because together, with God, I will change the world.
Now I find myself sitting here in Madison, Wi. once again, preparing myself for the adventure of a lifetime. Im going to go and spend six months doing Gods work, and giving myself completly to Him and His purpose for me. Im going to go and do a Discipleship Training School(DTS) in Queesnland, Townsville, AUS. Its focus is in the human slave trade. Menaing forced labor and the sex trade. We will also be working with children in the Townsville area, who are struggling with drugs, gangs, or are out on the street. Praise God for my amazing training! ha.
In closing I want to share with you a verse God gave me, when I got back from Hawaii and did some fasting and serious prayer time out in the woods.
1 Corinthians 9: 19-23
Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law, I became like one under the law, though I myself am not under the law, so as to win those under the law. To the lawless, I became like one that is lawless, though I am not free from Gods law but am under Christs law, as to win those not having the law. And when I am with the oppressed, I share in their oppression. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means, I may save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, so that I may share in its blessings.
P.S I suppose I should add onto here that I am going to be continually updating and sharing on this blog,and I would absolutley love for you to follow up on what God is doing in my life. It also is with great humility and unendding gratitude that I ask anyone who is able, willing, or called too; to please help support me in whatever way they possibly can. I am still around $ 5,000 short for my school in Australia and would be ecstatic for whatever sort of monetary support I could recieve. Im also lacking money for my visa, which will be around $500, and plane tickets to and from still have yet to be procured. But I will also be in desperate need of prayer. I need prayer for all of my travel arrangements to come into place, for an amazing school, and amazing fellowship. I also need prayer for a few HUGE life decisions I am about to be making : ). Also being home, and just back in familiar places, I face spiritual warfare on a daily basis, and would love to know that I have a loving family around the world who prays for me everyday. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to be concerned about what I have going on : ) that means more to me than you could understand. If you ahve any questions, or want to know other ways to help me out, or get more detail of what I need prayer for please do not hesitate to e-mail me
stuartBenj@gmail.com
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