Righteous Anger; Furious Love

        I have been watching the cursor on my screen disappear and reappear for nearly two days now. Bustling around, cleaning this, picking at that, comming and going, but all the while feeling the screen leering at me from the corner of my room. I have been having trouble knowing exactally where to begin, or what of my story may be interesting, or necessary for me to share with you. I dont know how exactally to begin describinig the transormation that God has put me through in a way that is truly indicative of the signifficant change in my heart. How can I possibly tell you where my heart has been for the passed six years, six months, or even the passed six hours. Sometimes the most important things, are the hardest things to say, because words diminish them. But God is so good, and that will never be hard for me to say; never again.
       As I sit here on my bed typing this, listening to the rain fall outside my window, I am brought back to Seattle. It was here that I was born into an amazingly loving,and supportive christian home. My dad, a ture man of God, unlike any I have ever met, was a pastor at a local church. And my mom stayed at home to raise me and my two older sisters. My time in Seattle was short lived, and wasnt too hard for me when it was finally over. My father felt the call of the Lord on his heart, for him to move us out to Madison Wisconsin, and he did not hesitate. We packed up and moved to Cottage Grove, and God went to work. At the time I thought the work was external from our family, that God was using my family, my father in particualr, to show the city of Madison how to live love. Using us to show Madison what it ment to truly follow Jesus. It wasnt until a few months ago that I really understood that the work God was doing was on us, was on me. I was what He was after. And that realization, to this very moment sends chills down my spine. God gave me a personal fifteen year demonstration on how to live like Jesus. How to truly LOVE. Unconditionally. Whole heartedly. Furiously. I had front row seats to the heart of God and never even realized it. But praise Jesus that I see it now.
       I grew up loving and admiring my father. Always knowing without a doubt that he was the biggest, strongest, fastest, best smelling, most atheletic,funniest man of all time. And I knew that he was going to change the wolrd one heart at a time. But our time on earth is tricky. This is where the devil lives, this is where he is allowed. And I allowed him in my life. At around the age of twelve, I began to resent my father. I took for granted the front row seats forgot any lessons I may have learned, and grew extremly seflish, cold, and fell away from my family, my father, and the Lord. I  began down a path that was far from the heart of God, and further still from the life I was brought up to live. I began to live for the world, for pleasure, and for myself. I came to admire the wrong people for the wrong reasons, act out in ways I knew in my heart were evil and sell short the giftings that the Lord has placed on my life. I fell into a life of drugs, gangs, women, lying, cheating, stealing, you name it, thats where I was.  And it was only the beginning.
   My dad died when I was fifteen. My sisters were gone,it was me and my mom.  A pivital period of my adolescense when I really needed family, frieds direction and guidance from my father, but he wasnt there, and I wasnt listening to God, so I listened to the world some more.  Oh the mistakes I made to this day make me cringe, make me sick,and even at times make me laugh. Just thinking about where I was and what was going on in my head and how it hurt my heart, and what is happening now goes to show me what plans my Eternal Father has for me. Thank you, Lord. Mom and I moved to Brown County, Indiana shortly after dad died. Unfortunatley things got alot worse before they started to get better. I was so wreckless. I was so self destructive. Funny thing is, through all of this, I never lost the lessons in love. I would find myself sitting and fellowshiping in the most unlikley of places, with the most unlikely of people, comming from the most unlikely person at that time. But man God works!!! Even when I was lying on the rocky bottom poking at my wounds, he was using me, preparing me, and gradually grabbing my heart back. Thank you so much for not giving up on me God.
          Seven months ago, God put on my heart a need to leave Indiana, worse than ever. He put a burning on me, to get as far away as possible. Let me remind you, at the time I still was not hearing God. I loved Him and I believed in Him, but my faith was not strong, and I was still too busy listening to the world and to myself. I made a call to my sister Kelsey, who was living in Hawaii on a YWAM base on the Big Island, and I asked her if I could come and live with her.And after a moments hesitation, she told me no, not because shes mean, but because she was living in the dorms on base : ). She went on to tell me that there was hope. There was a program at the base called Mission Building, a volunteer program that allows short time missions workers to come and work 40 hours a week where they are needed and live out there next to base for a few months. Amazing opportunity. I bought a ticket that day. There were so many reasons why I shouldnt have been able to go to Hawaii. I was helping to run a kitchen in Brwon County that I didnt feel like I could leave, I did not know if I could leave my mother for months on end, and I was also on probation for a bit of trouble I had gotten into. God took those mountains and made them dust. One of the first confirmations for me that I was headed in the right direction.
     In Hawaii I was so overwhelmed, at first, with the people. I was not used to people with faith like this. I was not used to people talking about what God had said to them like they had just gotten off the phone with Him. I was not used to seeing people washing other peoples feet. I was not used to seeing people worship like they meant it! I had never heard of dying to yourself. It was overwhelming. Beautiful  but overwhelming. But I still couldnt do it, myself. I could not in good concious pretend. But then I was overwhelmed by God. It was a process and a result of alot of different instances. But long story short, I found myself face down on a slab of lava rock out on homeless beach screaming for the Lords forgiveness and praising Him for His unwaivering patience and love. My problem was that I was waiting for God to put up a billboard on Kuakini Hwy to tell me He was really here. I was waiting for Him to send Ed McMann to my house with a check for  Heaven signed by God the Father and then I would believe. But my God doesnt like to show off in those ways, He works subtley in the area of winning over hearts, because he wants to be sure that we are truly listening for Him. He has instilled so much confidence in me, and reassured me about the life I led and the struggles I went through as such a ministering tool, and I praise the Lord for arming me like He did, because together, with God, I will change the world.
      Now I find myself sitting here in Madison, Wi. once again, preparing myself for the adventure of a lifetime. Im going to go and spend six months doing Gods work, and giving myself completly to Him and His purpose for me. Im going to go and do a Discipleship Training School(DTS) in Queesnland, Townsville, AUS. Its focus is in the human slave trade. Menaing forced labor and the sex trade. We will also be working with children in the Townsville area, who are struggling with drugs, gangs, or are out on the street. Praise God for my amazing training! ha.
   In closing I want to share with you a verse God gave me, when I got back from Hawaii and did some fasting and serious prayer time out in the woods.

   1 Corinthians 9: 19-23

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law, I became like one under the law, though I myself am not under the law, so as to win those under the law. To the lawless, I became like one that is lawless, though I am not free from Gods law but am under Christs law, as to win those not having the law. And when I am with the oppressed, I share in their oppression. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means, I may save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, so that I may share in its blessings.

P.S I suppose I should add onto here that I am going to be continually updating and sharing on this blog,and I would absolutley love for you to follow up on what God is doing in my life. It also is with great humility and unendding gratitude that I ask anyone who is able, willing, or called too; to please help support me in whatever way they possibly can. I am still around $ 5,000  short for my school in Australia and would be ecstatic for whatever sort of monetary support I could recieve. Im also lacking money for my visa, which will be around $500, and plane tickets to and from still have yet to be procured. But I will also be in desperate need of prayer. I need prayer for all of my travel arrangements to come into place, for an amazing school, and amazing fellowship. I also need prayer for a few HUGE life decisions I am about to be making : ). Also being home, and just back in familiar places, I face spiritual warfare on a daily basis, and would love to know that I have a loving family around the world who prays for me everyday. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to be concerned about what I have going on : ) that means more to me than you could understand. If you ahve any questions, or want to know other ways to help me out, or get more detail of what I need prayer for please do not hesitate to e-mail me

stuartBenj@gmail.com